just a couple of thoughts.

The other day i was sitting and looking at an ant hill on the edge of sidewalk. I was not only focused on the ants to want to step on it and cover it up but; my (L) 's daughter was watching them here and there. I thought they might be fire ants so i told her to be careful. It was so cool to hear her perspective. How, simple the thoughts came out. The idea that the queen is in there. She wanted to see the queen.

Each day I am getting more and more confused about relationtionships. I don't understand. People say i just should try the cities, or an actually glbt community. It is hard to think even though it might have simple solutions.

I recently found out that my choices not only dissappointed my close friends and family but also a good friend of mine at work. I asked her point blank why she did not yell, get mad, or lecture me? I was totally confused. When all is said she told me that if i choose to continue and punish myself, i wouldn't be able to be friends with her.
I lost so many friends in the last four years. Through my actions, hitting on them, or other, it gets tiring when I feel so lonely already. I just cannot stand to lose more and more people in my life.
I don't mind working where im at but i get the feeling that when i say i work there, people don't give the respect i think they are thinking. I don't try to judge, why should they? It hurts that i agree with this saying I don't know where its from? (out of a thousand people in a room i still feel lonely) I work hard out of my low, but some how i see people being able to change easier than i. I get jealous at times. So i compare and not want to know that. I support and non judging way to my friends but its hard when i can't succeed like them.

tired, little c

two years

Its been a while since i typed anything. I just got done watching sex in the city like 8 times. I have been meeting with some new people that arent probably good for me.? I relapsed!! I want to start over.

Here is what's going on, im changing the names to keep the identity.
Well (A) came back into my life not to happy about it. Cause it causes drama. I met a new girl (L) through the program. Which i relapsed with, first it was not my hobby, than i took a totaly dive. The last couple of days i have been on a bender. I don't like making myself go to a a . Everyone says it works but its hard to know when God helps others through the program, and i struggle with it. I met (A2) (D), (K), (m).

lately we have been getting together. Its a funny story, about two series of dawson's creek in one week time. (L) is sick of the drama, i tend to be drama mama, word vomit as it seems. It gets me into a lot of trouble.

I met james, who is trying to mormon also, struggling not to be gay like me. He keeps calling me and texting me. My high school friend (M) broke up with a two year relationship. Sad, he cheated on her cause she didn't give him a kid. So he cheated. Totaly p**sed. (M) is a wonderful girl i luv her to death. But i do want her to find the greatest man of her dreams. Well, thats my wish.

I moved into a fellow employees' house. it has been great. but i make him concerned with me. that hurts. More and more.

So lately besides all the drama mama my life consists of sleeping, going to work and not disconcerning any one. pretty boring with out any real details but its true.

Little C