Well it is disappointing that I myself can't keep up on my own blog. I have been so busy! I showed my blog to my friend Carebear, and she commented on the bad grammar. So I ask for forgiveness on my grammatical part. The last two weeks have been hell. I have not had a day of rest of crying. I am upset at myself for being on the pity pot, at which my friends say I am on. My friend invited me over and I got uncomfortable so I walked 2 miles downtown to my other friends. It was just my luck that a cop would pick me up but it didn't.
I still feel like dirt. I have been in the program for almost five months now. I have finished my second treatment and I still have not found peace. I am thinking that the program has ruined my life. I have tried giving myself fully, and still no results. 110-days or so sober and still no results. I hate that I have had two friends call to tell me that they relapse or still using, while I am suffering. I ask myself will this suffering ever end.
I am depressed at where I am at in life. I am sleeping on my parents couch. I am working at the local fast food restaurant; while hitting myself in the mouth with the nugget freezer. I cannot get myself out of debt while things increase in price. What's more embarrassing is not having gone through the steps. People try to give me advice but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Is this disease too hard for an intellectual, or the Godly of a God that I understand him,(Conservatively). I had called my aunt to ask what did I do to God to deserve this hell. There has to be an end but I honestly can't see it right now.
I am tired now so my blog is caught up. No need to feel guilty.
Thanks
Looking for Light! Chad
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1 comment:
First things first my dear friend... Congrats on making it 110 days sober. That in itself is an accomplishment and you need to be proud and own that. Next - the only thing that has worked for me in the past when I've been sitting on the pity-pot is to do something for someone else and get out of my head.
I know it's hard not to let people who are close to you affect your serenity - especially when they are relapsing, but for me I had to allow them the dignity of finding their way. We can pray and be there to offer the solution that has worked for us thus far. Other than that - it's in God's hands - not mine.
Tough love time - you say you have given yourself fully. I ask "have you really?" "How many of the steps have you completed?"
Don't fight it my friend. Keep it simple. Use the resources you have available. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Keep going to meetings. The miracle WILL happen.
All my love, thoughts and prayers.
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