just a couple of thoughts.

The other day i was sitting and looking at an ant hill on the edge of sidewalk. I was not only focused on the ants to want to step on it and cover it up but; my (L) 's daughter was watching them here and there. I thought they might be fire ants so i told her to be careful. It was so cool to hear her perspective. How, simple the thoughts came out. The idea that the queen is in there. She wanted to see the queen.

Each day I am getting more and more confused about relationtionships. I don't understand. People say i just should try the cities, or an actually glbt community. It is hard to think even though it might have simple solutions.

I recently found out that my choices not only dissappointed my close friends and family but also a good friend of mine at work. I asked her point blank why she did not yell, get mad, or lecture me? I was totally confused. When all is said she told me that if i choose to continue and punish myself, i wouldn't be able to be friends with her.
I lost so many friends in the last four years. Through my actions, hitting on them, or other, it gets tiring when I feel so lonely already. I just cannot stand to lose more and more people in my life.
I don't mind working where im at but i get the feeling that when i say i work there, people don't give the respect i think they are thinking. I don't try to judge, why should they? It hurts that i agree with this saying I don't know where its from? (out of a thousand people in a room i still feel lonely) I work hard out of my low, but some how i see people being able to change easier than i. I get jealous at times. So i compare and not want to know that. I support and non judging way to my friends but its hard when i can't succeed like them.

tired, little c

two years

Its been a while since i typed anything. I just got done watching sex in the city like 8 times. I have been meeting with some new people that arent probably good for me.? I relapsed!! I want to start over.

Here is what's going on, im changing the names to keep the identity.
Well (A) came back into my life not to happy about it. Cause it causes drama. I met a new girl (L) through the program. Which i relapsed with, first it was not my hobby, than i took a totaly dive. The last couple of days i have been on a bender. I don't like making myself go to a a . Everyone says it works but its hard to know when God helps others through the program, and i struggle with it. I met (A2) (D), (K), (m).

lately we have been getting together. Its a funny story, about two series of dawson's creek in one week time. (L) is sick of the drama, i tend to be drama mama, word vomit as it seems. It gets me into a lot of trouble.

I met james, who is trying to mormon also, struggling not to be gay like me. He keeps calling me and texting me. My high school friend (M) broke up with a two year relationship. Sad, he cheated on her cause she didn't give him a kid. So he cheated. Totaly p**sed. (M) is a wonderful girl i luv her to death. But i do want her to find the greatest man of her dreams. Well, thats my wish.

I moved into a fellow employees' house. it has been great. but i make him concerned with me. that hurts. More and more.

So lately besides all the drama mama my life consists of sleeping, going to work and not disconcerning any one. pretty boring with out any real details but its true.

Little C

new thought

Today was good. I got to go boating with my family. It was just like old times when I lived out on the lake. Just a reminder for me how nice I have some times. I got to go two and half meetings. It was okay.

I totally went out on a whim, I got hurt for no reason. I asked this man in the program to be my sponsor, well he said no. It surprised me that he said that. I thought sure. I understand him in a very intellectual way. Maybe because I thought I had no other way out. He told me that he had too many people right now. I said okay. But it hurt getting turned down. Or maybe he didn't want to deal with my junk. Either way it still hurt.

I just got done with fellowship. I learned that even if a person has many years in being sober, there is a possible feeling of being stuck. That is my miss conception on people in the program. I thought just because a person has many days longer than me that they have something more figured out than me. I was wrong. The worst part if the feeling wrong.

I don't know if I mentioned this but I was able to go to a Pride meeting. It was great. The thing of it was on expectations. Now that I look in hindsight, I was expecting all these people there that I had met. But it turned out that not alot people came that I didn't really know. They also made me feel uncomfortable. It was me. A great friend which I have been in contact with gave me awesome directions. I am thankful he was there to help settle me down. The expectations was that I would see all these people and the expectation was different. Hmm, think of that.

just a thought

I went to hang out with my friends after the Saturday meeting. It was great. I got to talk about everything on my mind. It was good to hear some things. Since my sobriety, thinking clearly has been hard for me. I was able to hear that the blame I was putting on myself was a waste of energy. I wish I could know what my Korean mother was thinking. I realized that the reason I went to my addiction in the first place was to fit in.

This idea came so clear to me. It was like when I found that God's gift of Jesus salvation was totally free. I learned that at BLC. I had a hard time with that idea for a while. Back to the subject; my question is what do I do with what I learned? It has been up and down and so tough. I am just to pride full to ask for help. It is great that friends are there but it is quite different coming for support when you really need to listen.

Being clear is hard to know when to listen and pay attention. Ultimately I realized that I don't know what God wants for me. I can ask for guidance. I find it funny that everyone seems to come to me which is great, but I am not as tough as people really think I am. I was at a coffee shop with some girls. One wanted me to say good things about myself, I couldn't do it. I was thinking it was much easier to say things that are wrong. Believe me, I am not just being modest. Saying good things are hard. Why is that?

Blessings chad

What shall I think of thee?

Well it is disappointing that I myself can't keep up on my own blog. I have been so busy! I showed my blog to my friend Carebear, and she commented on the bad grammar. So I ask for forgiveness on my grammatical part. The last two weeks have been hell. I have not had a day of rest of crying. I am upset at myself for being on the pity pot, at which my friends say I am on. My friend invited me over and I got uncomfortable so I walked 2 miles downtown to my other friends. It was just my luck that a cop would pick me up but it didn't.

I still feel like dirt. I have been in the program for almost five months now. I have finished my second treatment and I still have not found peace. I am thinking that the program has ruined my life. I have tried giving myself fully, and still no results. 110-days or so sober and still no results. I hate that I have had two friends call to tell me that they relapse or still using, while I am suffering. I ask myself will this suffering ever end.

I am depressed at where I am at in life. I am sleeping on my parents couch. I am working at the local fast food restaurant; while hitting myself in the mouth with the nugget freezer. I cannot get myself out of debt while things increase in price. What's more embarrassing is not having gone through the steps. People try to give me advice but I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Is this disease too hard for an intellectual, or the Godly of a God that I understand him,(Conservatively). I had called my aunt to ask what did I do to God to deserve this hell. There has to be an end but I honestly can't see it right now.

I am tired now so my blog is caught up. No need to feel guilty.
Thanks
Looking for Light! Chad

Yeah third day,

Well to day it turned out okay. I guess when I have no expectations it helps. I decided to wake up around noon or so. I first checked my phone. I didn't think anyone important called.

My good friend Carebear, came home. It was so glad to see her! On the way over I started to swell up. It is a nice feeling to know that the person that means a lot, will be there when expected.

At work was the first time I had a feeling that it would be nice to be able to go downtown. I didn't of course. I had other things on my mind. It is odd however that thoughts come so easy when I don't expect them to.

My idea thought for the day; Is forgiveness really hard? When is it the right time to give forgiveness? Most important should forgiveness start with myself or inner self? Along with the compassion on yesterday's blog; what drives people with compassion to know forgiveness is bestowed? Yes as addicts' self we all have said sorry. Even I am guilty of that. What shows for the sincerity?

Sorry for the mindless wandering. Just got off of work.

Blessings

Deciding what is faith and miracles?

Today was a Godly day.
There were a couple of events that have me still thinking. I went to the store with my mother and I wanted to see the price of a turkey drumstick. I picked it up and the whole thing came out of the bag. Right on the floor! It was horrible. That wasn't quite the issue, although I had talked to her about my faith. Quite a topic for just waking up.

Just when we got home the missionaries of LDS came to the door. Interesting enough, I wasn't really in the mood to think spiritual. I told them what was the issues, about relating my faith while objectively sharing in comparison to my sobriety. I gave the example that fully giving myself to the blessed Christ which I thought I had already done; was trying to find the spirit in all this mess. Once given the spirit the work has to live, share, and love. On the other hand I said that if once given to gift, one should not waiver. If one does, how does one find thee blessing which I or he was given? The sobriety issue comes like my faith. In example; I have been hard at work for about 107-110 days now. (still haven't found a sponsor quite as stubborn as me yet) I have to work at not doing what people can normally do. If I had fallen off the wagon along time ago I would feel really bad and in the same mess at which I started. There would be little forgiveness and hardly any truth to what I say or feel. Just like working hard through faith, but my question is which part of faith do I fully immerse myself to ensure the quality of life that God has given me?

I was excited to share my thoughts tonight because it gives me a time to think through. I can know exactly how to sort out what I am going through. Individually I assume each has to make choices. But why are some choices right for others and not for many? In relating to, I am amazed that people I come in contact with have such passion about their assurance that what they feel is right. That confuses me. Has faith have a strong hold on these individuals?

One thing I do need to do is think more positive. I am not going to interview at the sober house which I was so excited to see. Maybe when the time is right I'll be able to get on with my life out of Katoland?

On a lighter not, I was on youtube, I fell upon a hello kitty hotel room! Yeah, Thats where I want to go on my honeymoon :)

Thanks for Reading my Rant!
Blessings